How to be a happy mother?
Dear Mom,
If you ask a woman if she’s been happy since having a child, usually you will hear – yes. Raising a child is truly one of the most wonderful things a woman can experience. But it is also important to be a happy Mom.
Psychologists researching happiness present a slightly different picture. Raising a small child, especially younger than 3 years old is a beautiful experience, but it is also a real challenge for Your mood. “You can sometimes feel exhausted, frustrated, angry. You can get into more arguments with your partner and feel more negative emotions.” – says Peter Ubel, professor from the University of Michigan.
How to draw happiness from the challenges of motherhood
Time spent caring for your child might not even be the most pleasant part of your day. When it comes to enjoyment, Moms usually rank it lower than watching TV, eating or working out – it’s shocking but it doesn’t mean that they don’t love their children. Children bring happiness. They bring unforgettable and incomparable moments, when moms feel such overwhelming happiness, it makes all the other moments worth it.
One of the reasons for this difference of opinions between moms and experts is selective memory. When psychologists ask moms if they enjoy spending time with their kids, most of them will say yes. When answering the question, they always think about shared activities, like walks, playing, reading. However, when you ask them about their day in detail, they remember the time spent struggling to dress their child or putting them to bed.
It might be the case the cold psychological calculation misses the point in enjoying time spent with your child. It’s about the small moments which reward hard work.
Luckily, these moments can overcome all other frustrations. The feeling of being needed makes the bad moments insignificant.
The first step to being a happy mom is appreciating what you do and feeling that it’s important. The next step is finding ways to make it bring you more joy. You’ll not only do what’s best for you, but you’ll also become more effective as a mom. Let’s say your two-year old is asking for her juice in her favorite red cup, but it’s nowhere to be found. If you’re in a bad mood you’re more likely to give it to her in a blue cup and mutter something to your kid. If you’re feeling good, you might come up with an idea to put red tape around the cup, turning something ugly into something beautiful or funny.
Good news: you can learn to focus on the positives and make that your everyday life
How to be a happy mother?
Admit when you’re stressed
Ironically, when you stop expecting motherhood to be wonderful and comfortable all the time, you’ll start managing better as a mom. It really helps sometimes when you give yourself space to feel frustrated, angry, tired, or irritated. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad mom. It’s normal.
Get enough sleep
Most of us know that money can’t buy happiness, but who knew that good sleep can? Scientists in Michigan discovered that earning sixty thousand more a year has a much smaller effect on happiness than getting an extra hour of sleep a day. Surprising? Maybe, but it makes a huge difference in how you feel. In a positive way, of course.”
So how can you steal an extra hour or two of sleep? One of my patients naps with her little one. The dishes don’t have to be washed right away. Sleep is more important. When you’re well-rested, you’ll have more energy for walks, play, and taking care of your child, and as a result, you will be less frustrated.
Reorganize your priorities
This may sound cliché, but one of the keys to feeling more positive energy is to reorganize your day so you can do more of the things that bring you joy. You don’t have to be the only one cleaning the house. Share the responsibilities. And if that’s a problem – does the bed really need to be made right now? Is it really better to run around with the vacuum than to draw with your child? Think about it.
‘Go with the flow’
Time seems to slow down for a moment when you’re doing something you enjoy, whether it’s repotting flowers or running. People who engage in activities they love are happier than those who have put their pleasures on the back burner. And you are lucky to have a master of enjoying life right next to you: your child. For you and me, every leaf and every ant may look the same, but not for a two-year-old. Try to notice the things your child is paying attention to, whether they’re two or a teenager. Older kids also see more than you do in your busy life.
Think about your strengths; they can also help you when taking care of your child and make you a more engaged mom. Love cooking? Turn it into a cooking show, just like you’d do on TV. Narrate what you’re doing step by step. You’ll be surprised at how interested your child will be!”
Savor the moment
One way to nurture positive emotions is to appreciate the times you feel good. Pause for a moment… and savor it. For example, in the morning, instead of trying to do ten things at once, drink your favorite coffee or sit on the windowsill and listen to the silence while the whole house is still asleep. It will take you two to three minutes, and you’ll see how it positively recharges your batteries. It won’t change your life, but you will likely feel calmer.
Notice what a wonderful child you have, how many beautiful moments you’ve shared – appreciate that.
Make peace with your partner
For many young moms, communication with their partner becomes a sore spot. This is because a little person enters their life and starts to consume all their attention. That’s why it’s important to return to the communication you had before the baby was born. The first three years after a child is born are the most stressful for couples. You might tell yourself you’ll deal with your relationship later, but remember, it will be easier if you work together. Think about what you can do together, how to support each other, and how to ensure that the pleasures you once shared don’t completely disappear.
Having a child doesn’t exclude many of those activities. I personally know couples who loved hiking, and the birth of their child only paused this for a while. Now, they climb mountains together with their children (in carriers, slings, etc.), though for now, they’re tackling smaller peaks.
Start with small steps, and it will become easier for you to take bigger ones together.
Talking about what stresses you out is also a form of communication. But don’t stop there. Share your pleasant moments of the day. When he comes home and tells you something good that happened to him, don’t just say ‘That’s nice.’ Ask for details; let him tell you a bit more about it. For at least a minute or two, you’ll have time to celebrate what’s good in your life.
Of course, even if you do all these things, bad days will still happen, but at least you’ll stop thinking that something is wrong with you. The more positive thinking you have, the more you’ll notice that happiness is within your control. Not entirely, but maybe more than you think.
Happiness, as my clients who are moms say, is joy, satisfaction, and fulfillment. Motherhood can give us all these things, though not necessarily all at once.
